How to Stop Being a People Pleaser at Work: 10 Steps to Reclaim Your Voice

career clarity career fulfillment career passion land dream job Sep 19, 2025

mage illustrating tips on overcoming people-pleasing behavior in the workplace for better professional boundaries.

Today I want to step back from my usual career advice and share something deeply personal. Something I know many women also struggle with: finding your voice at work, standing your ground, and setting boundaries without guilt.

If you’ve ever wondered how to stop being a people pleaser, how to speak up instead of shutting down, this is for you.

It’s for every woman who’s ever swallowed her words in a meeting, laughed off disrespect, or walked away replaying the conversation in her head with tears of frustration.

That pattern isn’t failure. It’s not weakness. It’s actually something brilliantly adaptive, a strategy that once kept you safe. But it doesn’t have to define your future.

So let’s unpack why this happens, where it comes from, and most importantly, how you can finally step into your power.

The Hidden Trauma Behind People-Pleasing at Work

A Story From My Own Life

Two days ago, I was on a call with someone I actually pay to support me professionally. Instead of offering guidance, they spoke to me in a way that was flat-out disrespectful. Not “tough love.” Not “direct feedback.” Just wrong.

And what did I do? Of course… I froze. I smiled. I nodded. I kept the peace.

And then, afterward? I cried for three hours.

The next morning, though, I had a lightning-bolt realization: “No. This is not okay. I will not let anyone speak to me like that again.”

And the thing is, this wasn’t even my boss. I’m an entrepreneur now. I could have walked away. I could have spoken up. No consequences. But still, my body defaulted to an old trauma response: freeze and fawn.

Maybe you’ve had that moment too, where the words catch in your throat, your mind goes blank, and before you know it, you’ve agreed or appeased just to get through it.

That’s what we’re diving into here. Not beating ourselves up for reacting this way, but really looking at why our nervous system does this, and how we can start to rewrite it.

Why People-Pleasing Shows Up as Freeze or Fawn

Most people have heard of “fight or flight.” But there are two other trauma responses that don’t get as much airtime: freeze (shutting down, going numb) and fawn (appeasing, people-pleasing to reduce the threat).

For many women, especially in the workplace, freeze and fawn are our go-to survival strategies. Not because we’re weak, but because our nervous system learned early in life that this was safer.

Think back to childhood:

If your “no” wasn’t respected, you learned to stop saying no.
If you were punished, shamed, or ignored for asserting yourself, you learned compliance.
If love or connection felt conditional, you learned that keeping the peace was the way to stay safe.

Your brain was brilliant. It figured out how to protect you, keep you connected, and minimize risk.

But fast forward to adulthood, and those same strategies show up in boardrooms, performance reviews, and Zoom calls, long after we actually need them.

This isn’t about being “nice” or lacking confidence. It’s about survival strategies that were wired into us in tougher environments.

Three Times I Stayed Silent When I Should Have Spoken Up

Let me take you back to my corporate years. These stories still sting, but they illustrate how common (and costly) this pattern is.

1. The Parking Garage Confrontation

Fifteen years ago, fresh out of college, I was barely a month into my first job. My manager cornered me in a dimly lit parking garage and started yelling at me about “poor customer service scores.” Those scores were measured over three months, but I’d only been there for one.

Instead of pointing out the obvious unfairness, I froze. I nodded. I promised to do better. I was young, scared, and brand new. And the shame of staying silent that night followed me for years.

2. The Call-in-Sick Guilt Trip

Twelve years ago, I woke up dizzy and nauseous. Driving wasn’t safe, so I did what anyone would do: I called in sick. Instead of concern, my manager yelled at me to come in or find someone to cover my shift. When I couldn’t, he guilted another manager into taking over, and then made sure I knew I’d “ruined his day.”

I was sick, scared, and ashamed all at once. Again, I stayed quiet, absorbed the blame, and carried the guilt like I’d done something horribly wrong. All because I protected myself from getting behind the wheel when it wasn’t safe.

3. The Commission Pay Cut

Eight years ago, I was thriving in a commission-based recruiting role, hitting more than double my hiring targets. Instead of rewarding me, corporate punished me. Overnight, they doubled my sales targets.

On paper, they gave me a tiny 3 percent raise. In reality, my paycheck dropped by $1,000 every pay period. I did the math. It was a pay cut disguised as a “reward.”

When I pointed it out, my boss’s boss stormed into my office, accused me of insubordination, and said I should be “grateful” I even had a job. Once again, I froze. I stayed quiet. I walked away with less money and a fresh layer of shame.

Why Assertiveness Feels Dangerous (Especially for People-Pleasers)

Here’s what I eventually learned: people who are naturally assertive usually got to practice boundaries safely in childhood. Saying no wasn’t scary. Their needs were validated. They learned that love or connection didn’t vanish just because they spoke up.

For those of us who didn’t get that safety, the rules were different. We were often taught, implicitly or explicitly, that:

Being “nice” earned us acceptance.
Saying no came with rejection or punishment.
Our safety, belonging, or love could disappear if we pushed back.

Add in gender norms, where girls are rewarded for being agreeable and boys for being assertive, and it’s no wonder so many women enter the workplace already conditioned to stay small.

And for women of color, LGBTQ+ women, or women with disabilities, the risks are even greater. Speaking up can invite harsher penalties, making the silence feel like the safer choice.

The Bullies and Manipulators Who Exploit This

In a perfect world, every workplace would feel safe. Managers would give feedback with respect. Leaders would understand that people do their best work when they feel supported, not when they’re shamed or scared. Colleagues would speak to each other with kindness, even when they disagree.

But we don’t live in that world.

In corporate America especially, there are plenty of people who see kindness, compliance, or gentleness as weakness. They notice who hesitates, who struggles to set boundaries, and instead of respecting that… they exploit it.

What it looks like

The bully boss. They raise their voice, use cutting sarcasm, or talk over you because they know you’re less likely to push back.
The credit stealer. They repeat your ideas as their own, because they sense you won’t fight them on it.
The boundary tester. They keep piling on work, ignoring your workload, because they know you’ll just say yes.
The manipulator. They wrap disrespect in the language of “just being direct” or “tough love,” making you second-guess whether you’re overreacting.

These people thrive in environments where respect isn’t enforced and where the most vulnerable employees are left to fend for themselves.

Let’s be very clear: this is not because you are weak. It’s because they are opportunistic. Some people have learned, consciously or not, that they can get away with more when others stay quiet. They mistake your survival strategies for permission. They read your politeness as passivity.

That is not on you. That is on them. Their lack of integrity. Their abuse of power. Their failure to lead with basic humanity.

10 Steps to Stop Being a People Pleaser and Reclaim Your Voice

The good news is this: assertiveness and boundaries are not personality traits. They are skills. You can learn them. You can practice them. You can rewire your brain for safety and respect. Here’s how:

Step 1: Name It Without Shame

Instead of berating yourself for freezing, say:

“I struggle to set boundaries because my body learned that staying quiet was safer. That’s not weakness, that was survival.”

That simple reframe quiets the inner critic and makes space for growth.

Step 2: Ground Yourself in the Moment

You can’t set boundaries if your nervous system is in panic mode. Practice grounding tools so they become automatic:

Breathing: Inhale for 4, hold for 2, exhale for 6. Repeat a few cycles.
Orienting Scan: Look around the room and name 5 things you see.
Palm Press: Push your palms together under the table to remind your body of its strength.

Step 3: Identify Your Non-Negotiables

Boundaries don’t mean saying no to everything. They mean protecting what matters most. Write a short “I will not tolerate” list. For me, it includes being spoken to in a demeaning tone.

Write yours down, and let them become your anchor points.

Step 4: Script Your Sentences

In the heat of the moment, your mind may go blank. Having a go-to script makes it easier. For example:

“I’m willing to discuss this, but I won’t continue while being spoken to this way.”
“I don’t have the bandwidth to take that on right now.”
“I’d like to finish my thought before responding.”

Practice these until they roll off your tongue.

Step 5: Start Small

Don’t begin with your CEO. Begin with everyday reps:

Send back the wrong coffee order.
Tell a friend you’re too tired to hang out.
Correct someone who mispronounces your name.

Each small “no” builds muscle memory for bigger moments.

Step 6: Keep a Boundary Log

Write down every win, no matter how small. When your brain says “you can’t do this,” pull out your log. It’s proof that you can.

Step 7: Get Support

You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy, coaching, mentors, or even a supportive colleague can help you feel safer as you practice.

My own growth over the past four years has been impossible without my therapist and community.

Step 8: Expect Pushback, and Stay the Course

When you first set boundaries, people used to your silence may resist. Use the “broken record method”: calmly repeat your boundary without over-explaining.

“I understand you’re upset, but I won’t continue while being spoken to this way.”

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Calm, steady, firm.

Step 9: Document When Necessary

If someone repeatedly crosses a line at work, it’s not just a boundary issue, it’s a workplace issue. Write down dates, times, words, and impacts. Then decide who to share it with: HR, a mentor, or someone you trust.

Step 10: Celebrate Every Attempt

Progress isn’t linear. Some days you’ll nail it. Other days, you’ll freeze. That’s okay. Every attempt counts. Every reflection counts. Every time you say, “Next time, I’ll try differently,” is growth.

The Bigger Picture: Strong vs. Weak Is a Myth

Here’s what I want you to remember:

The “assertive women” at work aren’t simply “stronger.” They were trained in safety and had their boundaries reinforced early on.
The “non-assertive women” are not “weaker.” They’re carrying survival strategies forged in harsher environments. Both are products of adaptation, not innate worth.

Assertiveness is not a fixed trait. It’s a skill. You are not weak. You are brilliantly adaptive. And you absolutely can rewire for assertiveness.

The Moment I Knew I Was Done People-Pleasing

I’ll never forget the first time I calmly said, “No, that’s not okay,” without overthinking it. I didn’t shake. I didn’t panic. I wasn’t on the brink of an anxiety attack. I just said it.

That moment felt impossible four years ago. But little by little, boundary by boundary, I got there. And so will you.

If you’ve ever felt ashamed for staying quiet, let that go. You weren’t weak. You were surviving. Now it’s time to practice thriving. You don’t have to transform overnight. Just take the next small step: write down a non-negotiable, practice a script, or breathe before you respond. Each small act builds strength.

And one day soon, you’ll surprise yourself. You’ll hear your own voice saying, with calm confidence:

“No. This is not okay. I will not let anyone speak to me like that again.”
And you’ll mean it.

About Career Coach

Theresa White, Career Clarity Expert, 5x Certified Career Coach, and the Founder of Career Bloom, is known for her expertise in guiding people to get unstuck and find the direction they need to move forward in their careers—fast. In a time when so many people are re-evaluating their work, Theresa offers actionable insights that empower clients to identify their true strengths and pursue work that genuinely aligns with their goals.

Theresa’s clients often call her sessions “epiphanies” and “transformational.” She brings immediate clarity to career goals, helping people unlock a deep understanding of what makes work fulfilling for them. Past participants consistently describe her approach as “spot on” and an “answer to questions they’d been asking for weeks.”

Theresa’s approach is empathetic yet practical, and she’s known for empowering clients with a clear direction in as little as 30 days, guaranteeing results.

Connect with Theresa on LinkedIn, listen to the Career Clarity Unlocked Podcast, or schedule your free 30-minute career clarity consultation.

FAQs: How to Stop Being a People Pleaser at Work

What causes people-pleasing?

People-pleasing often begins in childhood, when saying “no” felt unsafe or came with punishment, rejection, or loss of connection. Over time, keeping the peace became a survival strategy. In adulthood, the nervous system still interprets boundaries as risky, even when the threat is long gone.

How do I know if I’m a people-pleaser?

If you say “yes” when you want to say “no,” replay conversations in your head wishing you’d spoken up, or feel responsible for keeping everyone happy, you’re probably people-pleasing. Another sign is walking away from interactions feeling resentful or drained. It’s less about being “nice” and more about avoiding conflict at your own expense.

How do I stop being a people-pleaser without feeling guilty?

Start small. Practice saying no in low-stakes situations and remind yourself that boundaries are not selfish, they’re healthy. Guilt will show up at first because your nervous system thinks you’re breaking the rules of safety, but it fades with repetition. Over time, you’ll build confidence that your relationships and career actually get stronger when you protect your needs.

Want Help Building Your Voice?

This is the work I love most, helping women like you break free from unfulfilling, unsafe workplaces and step into careers that feel energizing and aligned. If you’d like personalized support, I’d love to talk.

Book a free consultation call with me, and let’s get you on the path to a career where you never have to stay small again.